Confessions of a Content Pimp

After deleting my 14th spam email about reigniting the spark in my love life; how I can get more Web traffic; and all the money that’s waiting for me in a Nigerian bank account, a figurative light bulb bounced up in my MacBook Pro’s dock.

Maybe one of the ways we could de-stigmatize spam emails is if they were edited by a professional team. Between being written in massacred English and deployed via non-html’d, eyesore email formatting, let’s face it, they could use a revamp. And what are editors for, anyway, than to step in when comma emergencies and the like rear their ugly heads?!

Case study #1:

So, no… spellcheck doesn’t work on subject lines, which is why my first order of business would be to earmark the quality assurance of those ino — uh, I mean, into — someone’s workflow. And, trust me, Mr./Mrs. Canadian *** Pharmacy client, that Inline typo would have never gotten past someone on my staff!

Case study #2:

First up, it doesn’t take a marketing rocket scientist to tell you that this one needs a more compelling subject line (and some capitalization). And, where is the comma after the salutation? Also, though we suspect the underscores-in-place-of-apostrophes may be technical glitches, those are still typos. Take this one up a notch by mixing in a designer to spice up the pitch’s presentation, especially since there’s no explanation about the company’s name, success rate, nor why this one’s coming from a general gmail account. A good-looking, well-written email may let those missing key features slip by.

Case study #3

An editor looking at this type of email — one that actually spells good “gud” — can be likened to an orthodontist looking into a mouthful of crooked teeth. We see “college education for our kids” if we’re able to let loose with our services (and the subsequent bill). How we’d start off this editorial surgery is by approaching the client very, very slowly: What is it you wish to convey? If you wish to draw someone into your “attraction” site, the best approach would begin with the correct spelling of flattering adjectives.

Case study #4 (saving the best for last): 

Where do I start? Reviewing this post, my eyes (and my red pen) are bleeding. Those yellow highlighted areas, as you can see, merely touch the surface of what is, quite honestly, one of the most poorly-written emails I’ve ever seen. Take this one into MS Word with “Tracking On,” and you’re sure to have something that more closely resembles a football playbook than a written plea about some poor, deceased family with “Twenty Two Million, Three Hundred Thousand United States dollars” to offer you. Put a good writer/editor duo on this account, though, and you may be able to dupe more than just some naive Internet newbies. Maybe make them cry for poor Mr. Francois, even.

There are plenty of opportunities where these came from, which leads me to my final thought: Spammers — an untapped market for editorial consultants?

(No worries, I am biting my grammatically-correct tongue…!)

1. Do you want me to proofread my article before I send it to you?

Astounded editor: Hmmm… that would be helpful. We all make mistakes — that’s human nature — but as a writer, you’re held to an even higher standard. Submitting work, especially as a first-time writer for a firm or publication, means you submit stellar work. Silly errors or sloppy formatting, or — for that matter — a casual, matter-of-fact accompanying email like this, can make or break your chances for future assignments.

2. When you say you want anecdotes, do you prefer I speak to real people as opposed to fictional sources?

Dumbfounded editor: I don’t even need to add commentary on this one, do I? Alas… we’re not crafting the next Harry Potter here; GL Editorial Services is not in the business of pimping fiction. We’re reporting on issues as journalists. Last time I checked, you needed real people for that.

3. I’m not sure what you are asking. By source sheet, do you mean you want me to cite all my interviewee’s info? That’s going to take a lot of time.

Laughing-because-she-can’t-believe-what-she-just heard editor: While I encourage all my writers to come to me with questions, this one is Journalism 101. Just think of all the time it’ll take me to have to find a new writer — one with verifiable sources — to report the story.

4. I apologize for the messiness. I don’t want you to think that i took the project less serious than i would have one that paid more.

Editor who now dreads opening up the attached file for fear of the messiness awaiting her: First of all, why do you arbitrarily lowercase your i’s? But truly, instead of apologizing for the messiness, you should be fixing it up. And, let’s face it — a comment about a project’s rate should never be included in the same sentence as one about the subpar quality of your work. (You should never even submit subpar work, but that’s another post…)

I know what it’s like to accept a project and then realize, after all the work has gone into it, that the hourly rate came out to something like $7. However, I would never go back to a client to complain about it (or even “innocently” point it out). When I feel that my work was not compensated correctly upon a project’s completion, I am diligent about negotiating more carefully with that client the next time around.

5. Can I come to your house/office to pick up my check?

Editor who likes her privacy: Uh… no.

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